Fooogeettaabboouttiitt! Italian night! *Day 6*

The power is still out all over Louisville, and we've still got guest lurching around the house.  Spaghetti is probably one of the best things to make for a bunch of people.  I've always had a hang up with people that live in America and pull the Italian card.  You know the type.  Their parent, or Grand parents, are Italian descendants, so instantly they're more proud to be Italian, than Italians.  They are impossible to cook for, and always more annoying than Ryan Adams fans.  You're as Italian, as I am Indian.  Please stop.  We all know that DNA and genes don't pass down taste buds, stop pretending like they do.

Total cost about $13

I stopped by Amazing Grace, and got some polenta and tvp.  The tvp was a beef flavored one, that I haven't tried yet.  We hydrated it, seared it in some olive oil with some onions, roasted garlic  and poured  basil garlic tomato sauce into it.  The polenta was sliced into 1/4 inch slices and pan seared in some canola oil.  After a little crispy, i seasoned it with garlic powder, salt, crushed red peppers, and smoked paprika.  Again, I suggest a Heileman's Old Style with this dish.

I have this funny story, but it's not funny at all, and not very believable.  It really happened though.  It's really a little what I like to call, veggie humor.  I went to this little vegan/organic grocery called amazing grace here in Louisville, which is a place we frequently visit.  They've always had this section with vegan food, that's a little bland, and basic.  I don't mean to belittle it, but its just really basic vegan blt's, vegan chicken sandwiches, etc.  Good food, but nothing that really gave me "chills".  I went in there one day and they had gotten a new cook that was handling the dinners to go section, and wow things had changed.  There was a lot of very creative things in the case.  One of the things was country fried seitan.  I bought it, cause it looked awesome, and took it home.  While I was heating it up in the microwave I was talking to Sarah on the phone (most likely an argument about reality television).  During the phone call, I took the stuff out of the microwave, took a bite of the country fried seitan, and spit it into the garbage going *baaauu, ptttuee, baauuu, pffftthhh!!  Not because it tasted bad, but I really thought I had just bitten into meat.  I got off the phone in a flurry, and called amazing grace.  I was 110% sure that they had screwed up, but after yelling at the lady on the other side of the phone, and making her cry, she swore to me that it was vegan.    I took another bite.  After examining it very closely, I determined it was not meat.  This stuff was incredible, I bought it about 12 more times, before the cook quit, and moved to a restaurant down the street.  I tried to make it a few time, and it just never turned out right.  Tonight, I decided to give it another go.  Let me first start by saying, day 5 has turned out to be the best night so far, by very far.  I made this for a bunch of people tonight, and everyone was was very complimentary of it.  When you cook for people a lot, you start to get a gauge of when they don't like it (but are saying they do),  like it, really like it, and really really like it.  This one they really really liked.  I cannot explain how incredible this turned out. I don't mean to over sell this recipe, but you will never eat anything better, so just stop trying.

Total cost about $14

Seitan Steaks

makes 4 chunky filets or 6 thinner cutlets
DO NOT BOIL, IT WILL MAKE THEM RUBBERY, SIMMMMMER!!!
1 1/3 cups vital wheat gluten
2 Tbsp tapioca flour
1 Tbsp nutritional yeast
1 Tbsp garbanzo flour
1 tsp dried porcini mushroom powder** (yeah, nice and earthy!)

2 Tbsp tamari
2 Tbsp soymilk
1/2 Tbsp marmite
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp ketchup
2 Tbsp red wine
1/2 to 3/4 cup broth* (cold)
1 Tbsp oil for panfrying

6 - 8 cups simmering broth (cold)

Mix the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. Mix the wet ingredients in a measuring cup in the order listed. After adding the red wine, *add only enough broth to bring the liquids up to 1 cup. Reserve the oil for panfrying.

Add the wet ingredients to the dry and knead for 5 minutes. Shape into a log, then cut into 4 or 6 pieces, as desired. Flatten them into cutlets. Panfry on each side until golden.

Simmer in the simmering broth for 1 hour 15 minutes. Let cool in broth and use as desired.

For Breading:

1 cup bread crumbs
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
pinch of salt
dash of pepper

½ cup plain soymilk (do not use low fat version)

1 cup unbleached flour

Directions:

Heat oil to 375 deg F. Use a thermometer!

Put bread crumbs, herbs, salt and pepper in one bowl, soymilk in a second bowl, and flour in a third bowl. This is your 3-step process for breading the steaks. Take each steak, and press it into the FLOUR FIRST, both sides. Make sure to really coat them. Then, quickly dip into the SOYMILK SECOND, and then finally press into the BREAD CRUMBS THIRD.

Now transfer to the frying pan heated to 375 F. Use a good pair of tongs to make it easy. Do this for each seitan steak, until golden brown as desired on each side. Then transfer to a plate lined with a paper towel to soak up the oil.

I took a recipe for seitan from Vegan Appetite, and a recipe for the batter from Bengarland.  The mashed potatoes were Yukon gold w/dill, mayonnaise <----surprisingly amazing, garlic powder, earth balance, soy milk, salt and pepper.  The corn just had earth balance, with salt and pepper.  Make sure and follow the instructions on cooking the seitan, it turns out a really great texture.  The gravy my brother had to help me out on, because I've never made a successfully gravy. Basically was just some earth balance, sage, not beef cubes broth, water and flower.  Seriously check this out.

Total cost about $15

Yo yo, it's day 4, get your ass on the floor, and.....dry hump...the girl next to you...Sorry, my freestyles these days are a bit exhausted.  Were completely snowed in, power is out in 200,000 houses, we've got guests sleeping over, and thank Jesus we still have power.  We decided to make stir-fry tonight, with some mock duck I got for Christmas from my mom.  We laid out a bunch of vegetables, and sauces, noodles, and rice.  Sarah took everyone's orders like we were in a restaurant.  It was quite endearing.  (quick side note, today's picture for the vegan amateur porn is the best one I've found.  Check out the dudes faces, they look like they all work the prize counter at a 1986 roller rink.)  All together we had :

• tomatoes


• chives


• red onions


• shitake, portabella, cremini mushroom


• red and green peppers


• green & yellow beans


• broccoli


• garlic


• ginger


• black bean sauce


• chili garlic sauce


• soy sauce


• mock duck & tofu marinated in soy sauce/alegro/ginger/Cayenne pepper/and some water


• sesame and canola oil

Everything was tossed in a Wok, and cooked together with sesame and canola oil.  I used extra black bean sauce, and boiled the mock duck first to get the canned taste out of it.  The tofu and mock duck was pan seared first.  This stir-fry was so good, I wouldn't even wear a condom with it.  The entire apartment was filled with an amazing smell, and life tonight was good.



The edamame dip was very much like hummus.  I took the recipe from food networks website. We then dipped carrots in it all night, singing "Kentucky rose" by Michael W. Smith.

Total cost about $5

• 12 ounces shelled, cooked, and cooled edamame, about 2 cups, recipe follows


• 1/4 cup diced onion


• 1/2 cup tightly packed fresh cilantro or parsley leaves


• 1 large garlic clove, sliced


• 1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime or lemon juice


• 1 tablespoon brown miso


• 1 teaspoon kosher salt


• 1 teaspoon red chili paste


• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper


• 5 tablespoons olive oil

Place everything in your food processor, and blend until smooth.  Garnish with smoked paprika and cilantro.

PETA's most recent, banned superbowl commercial.

Why Peta?  Please stop.  You make us all look like shit heads.  You're the Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson/God hates fags of vegetarians.  All you do is reinforce hate, and stereotypes. Every time Peta is on the news, its "negative", or "controversial". Peta is a corporate representative/spokesman for vegetarians/vegans. As if the world doesn't think that were all condescending, self righteous assholes, here we go again being portrayed  doing what we do best.  Although, this commercial is pretty good, and I know the angle they're going on about vegetarians having better sex. They're most likely referring to articles from Dr. Neal Barnard, who is an awesome speaker,author, clinical researcher  and nutritionist. Others have commented on this as well, but Neal was one of the first, and the guy tours the country and gives free lectures on going vegan.  Bless his little heart.  Here's an excerpt from something he has written, regarding the "vegetarians have better sex"

"Studies have shown that impotence is often a sign of blocked arteries, and artery blockages are commonly caused by the consumption of meat, eggs, and dairy products, which are high in cholesterol and saturated fat," says Dr. Neal Barnard of the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine. "Animal products increase the amount of cholesterol in the blood. This cholesterol enters the blood vessels and creates plaque on the interior walls, which narrows the passageway for blood flow," Barnard says.

But seriously, fuck you Peta.

It's day three, and being really broke never tasted so good.  It's snowing outside, 18 degrees, and my girlfriend had "roomie" night tonight.  Which basically means I have to go away for a few hours to hang out with my male friends, and let them get wasted on wine.  Tonight was chili night, so it worked out well for everyone.  I've made 26 chili's in the past year, and they've all just been O.K.  Nothing really grabbed me.  In fact I came in last place at a chili cook off for a friend of mine's birthday.  This chili, is in fact, the one.  My dad always had a delicious chili growing up, and I'm now proud to say I have my own chili.  All of my previous recipes have come from recipes, so I decided to go rogue with this one, and just do my thing.  It's a little smokey, delicious, and of course cheap.

Total cost about $11

• 2 can black or pinto beans, drained


• 2 can kidney beans, drained


• 2 can diced tomatoes


• 1 onion, diced


• 6 cloves garlic, minced


• 2 green peppers


• 1 small can of tomato paste


• 4 tbls of nutritional yeast


• 4 tbsp olive oil


• 1 cup tbsp vegetable broth


• 1/2 cup of hickory allegro (my favorite marinade, basically soy and liquid smoke + some other shit)


• 4 tbsp chili powder


• 2 tbls oregano


• 4 tbls curry


• 1 tbls turmeric


• 4 tbls curry


• 2 tbls smoked paprika


• 1 tbls salt


• 2 tbls ancho chili powder


• 2 tbls mexican chili powder


• 1 tbls red pepper flakes (optional)


• 2 cups of hydrated  TVP


• 2 cups of water


• 1 glass with 2 dudes wrestling on it

Cook the onions, green peppers and garlic first in the olive oil until transparent.  Slowly add the beans.  Let it simmer for a few minutes, and add all of the spices.  Go ahead and pull out your glass with two dudes wrestling on it, and serve hot.

Ate-Bit Vegan T-shirts!!!!

Want to say something, that means nothing?  Want people to say, "Hey cool, you're vegan?  Let's have sex."  Get the new Ate-Bit Vegan american apparel T-shirt!  click here to order!

Yes We (mexi)Can! *Day 2*

Total cost about $10

Day two of F.A.F.P.F., and things are getting really crazy around here.  We're trying to cover a lot of bases,while being extremely generic, and of course, cheap.  When I used to live in Hawaii, a friend of my brothers named Phillip would come over to eat sometimes.  He was pretty much the most annoying kid ever made, but made a nice punching bag for a bunch of 9 year olds.  He was extremely white, had these huge thick glasses, and olive oil hair.  One night when he was coming over he was telling us which Mexican food he liked.  He was attempting to talk in his most authentic Mexican accent.  Saying things like, "i love tooohstaadas, and enchillaaaadas, and taaccoos (pronounced ta-hoes).  From that point on, every time we ate Mexican (he pronounced it meh-hee-can), it was right to the Phillip impersonations, and I'm proud to say I still do.  Nothing like a little laugh at someone else's expense.

The rice was made from 1 1/2 cups of white rice, chopped roma tomatoes, chopped bell peppers, garlic, cumin, ancho chili powder, chipotle sauce, tomato sauce, and salt to taste.  The tostadas had re-fried beans at the bottom, FYH cheese, tvp (seasoned meh-hee-can style), lettuce, and tomatoes.  They were fried on a stove top skillet, in some olive oil.  On top was chipotle a sour cream, (vegan sour cream, chipotle sauce, drop of alegro, garlic powder, salt, ancho chili powder, nutritional yeast, and lime juice) and some salsa.  Also on the side is just some re-fried beans with lettuce and tomatoes.

Dear McDonalds, Drop the fucking clown thing.

I woke up today to see Ronald Mcdonald on tv, sipping on a tiny milkshake, at a picnic table, with little children.  Surely the clown thing isn't as lucrative for Mcdonalds today, as it was 20 years ago before things like the amber alert existed.  Every time I see an adult, on his own, sitting around giggling with children in a clown suit, I get really nervous.  The Ronald Mcdonald House / The Neverland Ranch.  Today we need things like geckos, William Shatners, guys singing songs about credit reports, etc.  Not a clown that hangs out with children.

Vegan slumgolian! *Day 1*

Welcome to day 1 of  the 22 day filth amateur, food porn fest!  This is a recipe from my mom, that we had growing up a lot.  It's easily veganised, and like a funner ( I love that word) version of sloppy joe's.  Thank god for the filthy amateur food porn fest, I would never be able to post this.

Total cost about $6

• 1 Pkg of tempeh


• 1 can of vegetarian beans


• 1 large family size can of tomato soup


• 1 onion


• 3 tbls of curry


• 4 cloves of garlic


• 1 tbls ancho chili powder, tumeric


• 1 tsp of smoked paprika (optional)

First boil a package of tempeh first for 10 minutes.  while waiting,  put some diced onions in a pan until they get translucent.  Let the onions cook for a few minutes, and add the garlic (minced).  When the tempehs done, crumble it and throw it in to cook with the onions.  Let the tempeh crisp up a little bit.  There's usually a lot of water in it, so it might take a while.  Add all of the spices except the curry, and stir.  Let that cook for a few minutes and add the soup, and beans.  The can of beans just says vegetarian beans in tomato sauce.  The can in my grocery was right next to the pork and beans.  Add the curry and stir really well.  Garnish with parsley and nutritional yeast.  I served it over wheat buns, but I've heard of people using macaroni, or rice.  This makes a lot, thanks ma!

$150.00, 22 days, and a lot of shitty food ahead.

Well, I just crunched the numbers, and looks like I've got $150.00 to last me the next 22 days. This is an estimation, being that I've only got 3 days left at papa johns. My new graphic design job starts February 2nd, and I won't see a paycheck until February 13th. The new job is 9-5, which I swore I would never have. That was when I was 13, so I think my 26 years old self can veto a kid with no hair on his legs, and prided him self on quoting Austin Powers constantly. For the next 3 weeks, I obviously will not have the money to make things like fancy schmancy macaroni and cheese, but I'm going to take this opportunity to try and make delicious things, on a budget. Sarah and I went out and did a grocery shopping for the next weeks food, and spent about $55.00. Check back over the next week for the filthiest amateur food porn you've every seen.

Say it aint so David Berman.

 

Today, January 23rd, is a sad day.  I thought I should mention it.  On a forum this morning David Berman announced he's going to stop making music with the Silver Jews,  and start writing screenplays.  Also he told a dark secret about his dad being a somewhat famous asshole.  I will miss your work David Berman.

Roger Ebert Mentions Obama on Howard Stern First!

I'm a big Howard Stern listener. He's smart and articulate, and believe me I've heard the arguments over and over, I get it. Believe me I get it. If you're an avid listener, you have more of an intimacy with him, if not, please believe me I couldn't explain to you, ever. Either way, I thought this was an interesting short clip from the show on Tuesday that they played about Roger Ebert talking about Obama in 2004. [audio http://paulettesdiner.googlepages.com/sternobamaclip.mp3]

Louisville Vegan Reubens & Sublime

Reubens have always been something that you either love or hate. For example. The people that live in the building underneath my girlfriends house can eat all of the dicks. I was reading an article on cracked.com that my friend Matt pointed out to me, and it made a lot of sense. There are certain people that can eat a ton of dicks. I agree that there are in fact people that you come across in your life, that can eat All of the dicks. For one second let me tell you about these people. They're about 22 or so, and I totally get it. I'm 26, and 22 was not long ago. Parties are fun, and i still get down very hard. I like beer. I like loud music. There is a big difference between drinking some beer, and listening to some music, and drinking some beer at 22, and listening to some music at 22. First the beer is just drank to get to get as annoying as possible. The music they're listening to is, as annoying as possible. It's not like they're listening to listenable music. They're listening to sounds that are just bass. Tons of bass, with nothing else. It's probably a friend of theirs that makes music on cakewalk and closes their eyes, nodding their heads. These people can eat All of the dicks.  I want to record the sounds coming from the ground below, its really incredible. Like right now they're playing sublime. As if I didn't hate sublime enough, these fucking shit heads downstairs have to be listening to this shit. So while I'm upstairs trying to do my thing, they're down there screaming and singing along to the most overplayed band EVER. Don't tell me you like sublime, cause I know, and I don't fucking care.

The kids downstairs are playing bad fish, and I'm crying like a 4 year old in the corner of the room.

Anyways, back to reubens. I made these reubans, and they turned out pretty good. I took the recipe from http://www.everydaydish.tv/index.php?page=recipe&recipe=98

I also added some instand tapioca, like i talked about in the message boards, and i couldnt tell any difference at all. The seitan turned out pretty good, but make sure you pan sear it in some soy sauce, the guy in the video clearly made a different recipe. It doesn't turn out the way the asshole in the stupid hat shows it. None the less it's pretty good. I used FYH mozzarella cheese, and vegan thousand island.

- Red & Yukon Gold Hash Browns w/Spicy Roasted Garlic Ketchup

- English Muffins w/Cumin Dill Sour Cream, Diced Olives and Sweet Peppers

- Pan Seared baby bananas w/Roasted Red Peppers & chives

Hash browns were invented by the ancient rednecks of Georgia in 1773.  They were at one point used during sex games, where the redneck would  place a batch of shredded potatoes on his womans stomach, believing that "her body was so smokin' hot", he could actually cook them on her.  Of course, this is just a legend.  Usually nothing would happen, and the two would just end up having sex in a pile of shredded potatoes, and onions.  However, stories like these that my parents told me growing up, always claimed a big piece of my heart.

I threw this together while in the grocery store.  The hash browns are just shredded red and yukon gold potatoes, as well as some cut onions.  Browned them on a skillet with some oil, salt and pepper and of course, smoked paprika.   Make sure and lay a few paper towels over the potatoes after you shred them, and get as much of the water out of them as you can.  The ketchup is put in a blender with sriracha, roasted garlic, some lime juice and s&p.

The English muffins were toasted and had some earth balance and roasted garlic (literally spread on there!).  The sauce was made with tofutti sour cream, cumin, dill, salt and peper, and a dash of sriracha sauce.  Mix it well and  lay it over the English muffin.  Green, kalamata olives and sweet red peppers were diced, and laid on top.

The baby bananas were pan seared in earth balance with salt and pepper.  Laid over them is roasted red peppers and sliced chives.

Dig in!  Like most meals that people suggest wines with, I suggest this to go with a warm     Heileman's Old Style.

Curry Sweet Potato Fries w/ Spicy Mango Chutney Ranch

I've never made sweet potato fries, and I love curry. I had been reading that the sweet potato fries turned out mushy, so I decided to go with the baking at 450 degree method. I boiled the potatoes first, then cut them into fries. Toss them in curry and cornstarch, salt, sprinkle some smoked paprika, and throw them in the oven. Make sure to lay foil on the pan, and spray it good with some pam, or they will stick bad. I baked them for a while, and turned them about every 10 minutes. While they were baking, I put some earth balance in a pan, melted it down, and added some curry and lime juice. Let that cook on high for minute, then turn it off until the fries are done. For the sauce, I just mixed some vegan ranch with some mango chutney, lime juice and s&p. The fries turned out pretty crispy. I dipped one in the chutney ranch, smacked my girlfriends ass really hard while chewing, and said, oh shiiiit. The ranch really makes this one.

Seitan greasy highway burger....

For some reason no matter what, everytime I post something up that looks a lot like meat, I get a ton of emails and comments. They usualy go a little something like this. "Man, i couldnt eat that, that looks too real." There seems to be a lot of people that are vegan, that really get what we call "annoying". I get it, you're so vegan, that not only did you make a personal decision to not eat meat, but you've also made a personal decision to be annoying. You know how I know that you made that personal decision? Because you have to tell me, and the world, that its too real for you to eat. Nobody goes on blogs and says things like, "sorry that corn on the cob looks way to much like a penis for me to eat." You know why? Because really, who gives a shit. I'm actually not a huge fan of fake meats, being that I really actually crave vegetables most of the time, but from time to time, I think it's great. Now if you don't like the way they taste, thats one thing, but if you just wan't to tell me how you can't get past the fact that it looks like meat, (in sarah palin voice) theeeanks, but no theeanks. I used the PPK recipe for the seitan. But I changed up some very important steps. First I didn't make the vital wheat gluten, i just went and bought it in a bag. Second, I didn't boil it, i baked it in the broth. That's a huge difference in texture change. The texture really amazing. Let it cook for an hour or so, at about 300 degrees. When you take it out, cut it into the size you want. Throw it in to a pan, and toss about 3 tbls of olive oil, and add some salt and pepper. The oil will give it a very greasy effect. Of course this isn't the healthiest sandwich, but its really delicious. I put some vegan mayonnaise on the buns, lettuce, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, and some s&p. Put whatever other disgusting things on it you like, I just cover the good stuff.

Fancy schmancy Vegan Macaroni and "Cheese"

I've always been very attracted to macaroni and cheese. It's really fattening, and delicious. Macaroni and cheese has always been to me, like that gross girl you banged in college, and you never told your friends about. I know what you're saying, "awwww, that poor macaroni and cheese! You're such a typical male chauvinist faux pig! ". Okay, okay, maybe you're right, but it's a good analogy and you know it. Growing up, we added hotdogs, and maybe even sometimes, some salt and pepper. Being that I'm now awesome, I have decided to make my own, gourmet style.

I searched around the google for a very short time, and found 3 recipes that gave me a little vegan boner. First, I was on the "food porn" section of the Veggieboards forum. After having a few pretentious lol's at what people considered "food porn" (i.e. microwavable amy's vegetarian in a box meals((literally)), I found an awesome vegan macaroni and cheese dish. It's a bit bland, but none the less, very delicious looking. I then dug deeper. Cause I'm an investigator.  I don't just settle for the bullshit. I'm into it. Sorry, that came out wrong. I wanted something to show that I'm way more hip, and don't need to live in Brooklyn to have a vegan blog. I next found a recipe for macaroni and cheese that had morels and lobster in it. Then I found one that put sweet potatoes in it. I nearly shit myself with  ideas. I replaced the lobster with sun dried tomatoes, and used soy creamer, instead of soy milk. Capers anyone? Hell yeah, I did. Sauteed the sun dried tomatoes and morels in some vegan butter with garlic, and caramelized the sweet potatoes into little squares. Baked it at 350 degrees for 15 minutes, and made out with my girlfriend for 9 minutes while waiting. This is the best macaroni and cheese you will ever have. "oh, i add tvp to my mac & cheeze". Shut up pervert. Make this, and stop watching real chance at love.

American accents vs. the rest of them...

I've always wondered about accents. It seems, people can have an accent from another country, and this is the only exception to becoming really attractive, even if you're ugly. I play this really dorky online game, that's like the game risk. Again, really dorky. Some of the guys I play with are from other countries, and I got into an interesting conversation with one from Australia tonight, that answered all of my questions, that probably never needed to really be answered. We also talked about the stereotypes of America, from Australia. Of course this isn't the official view of Americans, but none the less it was interesting to me to hear the stereotypes. It's a bit lengthy, but interesting none the less . I will apologize for the grammatical errors, keep in mind this is through a chat, like when you're texting at a red light.

Heres the conversation.

Stuffed avocados & grilled asparagus w/horseradish sauce

Did you read this article? Oh, you didn't. Well let me just put it to you like this.  Avocados are gonna be 2009's new gas prices. According to the article, the weather was hotter than normal last June, which means we're all gonna be typing in green beans on the produce button in the u-scan lane's. Not to mention, I accidentally read what some person named "don" wrote on the comment section below that made me puke a little in my mouth.

Don said...

I have not been buying any avocados anyway--because all the avocados ,tomatoes,and other produce are from Mexico---and I refuse to buy any produce from Mexico because from what I have read and heard --Mexico uses sewer water in many places to water the crops.

Now true, don could be that guy or girl, thats in the supermarket wearing a hemp purse, and patchouli, listening to Sigur Rós on his or her organic i-pod. Either way, I still thought about it while making tonights side dish. Being that avocados are practically gods handjob of the earth, I made them anyways.
Scoop the avocado out, carefully, and set it aside. Dice up the tomato and the avocado, and toss them in a bowl. Add 3 cloves of minced roasted garlic into the mix, and carefully mix everything. Put everything back into the avocado skins, and drizzle a generous amount of nutritional yeast over the top. Next add some salt and pepper, some smoked paprika. I drizzle some Tabasco sauce over the top, but that just if your feeling crazy. The Asparagus was cooked in a cast iron pan, with some vegan butter and garlic. The horseradish sauce was mixed together in a bowl :

1 cup of veganaise

2 tbls of horseradish

1 tbls of garlic powder

1 tsp of bragg (or soysauce)

____________________________

Lay it out and make it look pretty, I added some sriracha sauce too. Believe me you dont want people calling you a racist.

I like big stacks and I cannot lie....

Ive been wanting to make something in a stack form for a while. I always see them in magazines I read, they always look really cool. This is a bed of spinach and pine nuts cooked in garlic, some olive oil, and bragg. The stack starts at the bottom with mustard broccoli mashed potatoes. On top of that is smoked, and pan seared tofu. The onions were sauteed in some vegan butter, garlic, and balsamic vinegar. Next is just a pan seared tomato in olive oil, with salt and pepper. A slice of avocado on the top, and a cumin sour cream on top (my dads idea) The cumin sauce is just some vegan sour cream, with a couple drips of thousand island, bragg, mustard, garlic and lime juice. Add some salt and pepper to taste. Then the green beans were just cooked in some olive oil, soy sauce, garlic, and some salt and pepper.

Billy Mays, yells at me.

For the past 2 months, while im falling asleep, the show im watching goes away, and im left with a large man, with a lisp, yelling at me. We found some of his "Mighty Mendit" product at a wal-greens while looking for a secret santa gift. I recently ripped a pair of really nice jeans that i just got, so i decided to try mighty mendit on them. I saw in the commercial, a guy ripped his parachute, mighty mendit'ited'ed, and jumped out of an airplane. The shit takes 2 hours to dry, and so far its holding up like a champ. I'm thinking i now know where Billy Mays gets his passion from. Results.

"I can be your Gyro baby....."

If you live in Louisville, and you spend time in the highlands, you know the amount of Mediterranean restaurants is borderline silly. Within a 5 mile radius, there is Pita Hut, Shiraz, Falafel House, Zaytun, Pita Delights, Omar's Gyros, and Grape Leaf. There very well could be more, but these are all ones that i can walk to from Sarah's house. When my dad was in town, we went to eat at Falafel House, its really cheap, and pretty good. Either way, everyone at the table got gyros, and they looked really delicious. Minus the whole meat thing, i love the idea of a gyro. Crispy lettuce, tomato's, hummus, onions, cucumbers, pita bread, tzatziki sauce, and a little visit from my little friend seitan. I got together a couple of recipes from offline, combined them, and switched them up a bit.

Vegan Gyro :

The obvious things you need :

Boston red lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, onions and some pita bread.

Faux Lamb recipe (taken from vegsource.com)

4 cups vital wheat gluten flour
1/2 cup whitewheat flour (or regular whole wheat flour)
1/4 cup unbleached white flour
1/4 cup soy flour
1/2 cup Minute tapioca
1 Tbs nutritional yeast
2 tsps "chicken" bouillon powder
2 Tbs "beef" bouillon powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp dried parsley
3 & 1/4 cups cold water
1 Tbs low-sodium soy sauce

In a bowl, mix all dry ingredients.
In another bowl, mix water and soy sauce,
Add all at once to the dry ingredients.
Mix quickly, and knead for a few minutes.
Shape into two rolls.
Cook now, or wrap and freeze for later cooking,
or cook one now, and freeze the other for later cooking.

Cooking Broth

8 cups water
1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce
1 tsp Kitchen Bouquet
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1 onion, peeled and sliced
2 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced
2 tsps "chicken" bouillon powder
2 Tbs "beef" bouillon powder
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp dried parsley
1 tsp sugar

Into a large stewpot, put all cooking broth ingredients.
Bring to a boil, and cook 5 minutes, stirring often.
Add 1 seitan roll, and bring to boil again.
IMMEDIATELY turn heat to medium-low.
Partially-cover, and simmer for 1 - 2 hours.
Do not let broth boil again, or seitan will be tough or doughy.
Remove "pot roast" from broth.
Slice "pot roast".
Saute` in oil or margarine until browned, and serve.
Store any unfried or leftover fried "roast" in the cooking broth, in fridge.
Use cooking broth for making sauces and gravies.

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We didn't use the fake chicken broth, being that we didn't have any, but we did come across some really good fake beef broth. We used that, vegetable broth, and mushroom broth. Also i strongly recommend that "kitchen bouquet" stuff. It's vegan, and it actually made a big difference in the final result of the seitan.

After the seitan's done, slice it thin, and fry it in some oil and add some Cavender's greek seasoning if you can find it. Don't be startled by the creepy

chef on the front. As alarming as his child abducting mustache is, and the size of what appears to be something only served in Bedrock, its actually very tasty. It's really salty, so just put a small amount on, and add more if you want more.

The picture was taken on a plate that looked like it was descending from heaven, so i thought it only be right to take it in photoshop and add a little blur around the plate.

I got the Tzatziki recipe from tofu-and-sprouts blog, which turned out awesome, i may have eaten it with a spoon. We didnt use tofu, or tofutti sour cream, we just used 1 cup of vegan fat free mayonnaise. We also had no mint, so we just didnt use it. Although i think it would have worked really well with it. Oh and also Maui onions were $8 for 3, so we threw them at the guy that worked in produce and yelled "oh bullshit!". We just ended up using a yellow onion.

Has anyone ever eaten at a restaurant and had hummus that was really creamy, like peanut butter texture? I've been looking for a recipe for this for some time, and actually just stumbled onto it, on accident. A recipe I used a while ago, called for garbonzo bean flour, and there was a recipe on the back for hummus. The flour is really cheap, and it goes a really long way.

Creamy Hummus :

1 cup garbanzo flour

1 1/2 cup water, cold

4 tablespoon lemon juice

4 tablespoon sesame tahini

3/4 teaspoon sea salt, optional

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder, or 1 garlic clove, pressed

2 tablespoon olive oil

In a saucepan stir garbanzo flour into the cold water until smooth. Heat mixture until bubbly, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add lemon juice, tahini, garlic and salt if used. Mix well; cool. If mixture appears to be too thick, add more water before serving. Pour oil over hummus, or stir into the mixture.

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Take the flat bread, and put it in the oven to broil for a few minutes, until it gets warm, and fluffy (that sounds really dirty). Spread the hummus over the bread thinly, and lay the seitan down on half of the bread, and the lettuce, tomatos, some chopped cucumber and onions, and Tzatziki sauce on the other half. Push it together, shove it in your face, and with a mouth full sing at the top of your lungs, "I can be your gyro baby, i can kiss away the pain!". Wipe your face with your sleeve, and stare at the closest person to you. Walk backwards out of the room, and don't take your eyes off of them.

I got a kitchen aid stand mixer!

So my dad and step mom came into town, and brought a really cool kitchen aid, for your boy, for christmas. I've been wanting one for a really long time, and now i can make seitan without having to do any stirring with my hand. Ive always related to the kid in back to the future II, that is disgusted with the old video game in the diner.